Stabbing the demon child

It’s important to follow a general principle of… not stabbing your child. It makes a mess and isn’t hugely conducive to producing viable offspring. However once in a while it becomes socially acceptable to stab your child with a very small needle. In fact it’s encouraged by medicine people with many consonants after their name.

It is also a good idea to learn to defend yourself against demon-children

Follow the following instructions to know when to stab them, and what with, in order to get away alive.

sometimes acceptable

Opportunity #1 – at birth

The first opportunity presents itself at birth, but only sometimes. If your child is at risk of TB, or is in a TB-endemic area, probably good to vaccinate them against TB.

Opportunity #2 – 8 weeks

The way I remember this is it’s 8 o’clock in the morning, and an evil demon-child walks in with a terrible cough, because he’s got pneumonia. To resolve this issue, you throw a ninja star at his face. Strangely enough this serves only to exacerbate this issue, so you take him by the hand to men’s room, and pull out a rotary saw and lop off one of his legs.

Sorted

• 8 weeks
  • Pneumococcus (PCV)
  • 5 pointed ninja star – 5-in-1
    • diphtheria
    • tetanus
    • polio
    • pertussis
    • Haemophilus influenzae B
      • • • • • I remember this by death by powerpoint
                • d – diphtheria
                • b – HiB
                • p – polio
                • p – pertussis
                • t – tetanus
  • Men’s – Meningitis B
  • Rotavirus

• 12 weeks
  • 5-in-1 second shot
  • Rotavirus second shot

Opportunity #5 – 1 year

A year has passed and the demon-child has somehow managed to secure himself into a booster seat in the car. He’s singing merrily on the way to the MRI scan that you’ve booked because despite another trip to the men’s room, his pneumonia just isn’t going away. And you’ve figured you’re just as interested in finding out why he’s got the pneumonia as you are wanting to destroy the evil ghoul.

• 1 year
  • Booster
    • HiB fourth dose
    • Men C second dose
  • MMR – tenuous link…
  • Men B third dose
  • PCV third dose

These are the ones that I struggled to remember. The full list of vaccines is given below. If you have suggestions about other ways to remember these vaccines, please stick ’em in the comments!

NHS vaccine schedule:

• At birth:
  • TB in at-risk children
• 8 weeks
  • 5-in-1
    • diphtheria
    • tetanus
    • whooping cough (pertussis)
    • polio
    • HiB
  • Pneumococcal PCV
  • Rotavirus
  • Meningitis B vaccine
• 12 weeks
  • 5-in-1
  • Meningitis C vaccine
  • Rotavirus
• 16 weeks
  • 5-in-1
  • Pneumococcal PCV
  • Meningitis B vaccine
• 1 year
  • Hib/Men C booster
  • MMR
  • Pneumococcal PCV
  • Meningitis B vaccine
• 2-6
  • Flu vaccine annually
• 3 years and 4 months
  • MMR
  • 4-in-1 preschool booster
    • diphtheria
    • tetanus
    • whooping cough (pertussis)
    • polio
• 12-13 year old girls
  • HPV
• 14 years
  • 3-in-1 teenage booster
  • Meningitis ACWY
• 65 and over
  • Flu every year
  • PCV
• 70
  • shingles