It’s important to follow a general principle of… not stabbing your child. It makes a mess and isn’t hugely conducive to producing viable offspring. However once in a while it becomes socially acceptable to stab your child with a very small needle. In fact it’s encouraged by medicine people with many consonants after their name.

It is also a good idea to learn to defend yourself against demon-children

Follow the following instructions to know when to stab them, and what with, in order to get away alive.

sometimes acceptable

Opportunity #1 – at birth


The first opportunity presents itself at birth, but only sometimes. If your child is at risk of TB, or is in a TB-endemic area, probably good to vaccinate them against TB.

Opportunity #2 – 8 weeks


The way I remember this is it’s 8 o’clock in the morning, and an evil demon-child walks in with a terrible cough, because he’s got pneumonia. To resolve this issue, you throw a ninja star at his face. Strangely enough this serves only to exacerbate this issue, so you take him by the hand to men’s room, and pull out a rotary saw and lop off one of his legs.

Sorted

  • 8 weeks
    • Pneumococcus (PCV)
    • 5 pointed ninja star – 5-in-1
      • diphtheria
      • tetanus
      • polio
      • pertussis
      • Haemophilus influenzae B
                • I remember this by death by powerpoint
                  • d – diphtheria
                  • b – HiB
                  • p – polio
                  • p – pertussis
                  • t – tetanus
    • Men’s – Meningitis B
    • Rotavirus

Opportunity #3 – 12 weeks

You come back home at midnight from work to find the evil demon-child is back. He’s sat on the living room floor, which is really freaking you out. So you try another 2 ninja stars to the face and lop another one of his clawed demon-limbs off with the rotary saw, just to really teach him a lesson.

  • 12 weeks
    • 5-in-1 second shot
    • Rotavirus second shot

Opportunity #4 – 16 weeks

A month has passed, and your one-armed-and-legged demon child has returned, but somehow he’s managed to contract pneumonia again, so 3 ninja stars to the face in the men’s room to sort him out.

  • 16 weeks
    • PCV second shot
    • 5-in-1 third shot
    • Men B second shot

Opportunity #5 – 1 year


A year has passed and the demon-child has somehow managed to secure himself into a booster seat in the car. He’s singing merrily on the way to the MRI scan that you’ve booked because despite another trip to the men’s room, his pneumonia just isn’t going away. And you’ve figured you’re just as interested in finding out why he’s got the pneumonia as you are wanting to destroy the evil ghoul.

  • 1 year
    • Booster
      • HiB fourth dose
      • Men C second dose
    • MMR – tenuous link…
    • Men B third dose
    • PCV third dose

Opportunity #6 – 2-6 years

At some point between the ages of 2 and 6 your child has the flu. You decide to give him the flu vaccine. This is the only part of this whole saga that makes sense.

Opportunity #7 – 3 years and 4 months

You’re sat in the living room, watching 40 year old virgin, when once again the demon-child hobbles in. He’s never been the same since that MRI scan… probably didn’t help that he’d got a fork stuck up his nose…

  • 40 months
    • MMR second dose
    • 4-in-1 booster
      • polio
      • tetanus
      • diphtheria
      • pertussis

These are the ones that I struggled to remember. The full list of vaccines is given below. If you have suggestions about other ways to remember these vaccines, please stick ’em in the comments!

NHS vaccine schedule:

  • At birth:
    • TB in at-risk children
  • 8 weeks
    • 5-in-1
      • diphtheria
      • tetanus
      • whooping cough (pertussis)
      • polio
      • HiB
    • Pneumococcal PCV
    • Rotavirus
    • Meningitis B vaccine
  • 12 weeks
    • 5-in-1
    • Meningitis C vaccine
    • Rotavirus
  • 16 weeks
    • 5-in-1
    • Pneumococcal PCV
    • Meningitis B vaccine
  • 1 year
    • Hib/Men C booster
    • MMR
    • Pneumococcal PCV
    • Meningitis B vaccine
  • 2-6
    • Flu vaccine annually
  • 3 years and 4 months
    • MMR
    • 4-in-1 preschool booster
      • diphtheria
      • tetanus
      • whooping cough (pertussis)
      • polio
  • 12-13 year old girls
    • HPV
  • 14 years
    • 3-in-1 teenage booster
    • Meningitis ACWY
  • 65 and over
    • Flu every year
    • PCV
  • 70
    • shingles

Special groups:

  • Pregnant women
    • whooping cough
    • flu vaccine
  • Long-term conditions
    • flu vaccine
  • Hepatitis B
  • TB
  • Chickenpox vaccination

Travel vaccines:

  • Typhoid
  • Hepatitis A
  • Cholera

Privately

  • yellow fever

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